I am a nurse and I shouldn’t like klischés but I do. I do love them. Right now I am in that cleaning mood: I need to know, need to understand and unfortunately I am bad at just existing 🙂
Today I had a talk to my inner voice and got a quite great conversation there 🙂 My innervoice is quite difficult to overhear. It speaks loud to me, and guides me when no other person can do. So today we had conversations about what is important to me, means what I value the most on earth and about my relation to the different people I surround myself with. I am so gratefull for both my innervoice and my blogg. My blogg is there whenever I need to speak my ideas out. Today we chated about my relationship to my home, my kids and the rest of people around me 🙂 scary how clearly you can figure out what to do sometimes.
#HomeSweatHome
This is clearly the most important thing in my life and could you imagine, I have not had a home so often. I have been sharing other’s home mostly: I had a home for a short time and that is also why I know, that it is the most important thing for me. It is not so important for me to travel around the world, but I do need a home to reload, and my home is just what a 5 stars hotell is for other: it should be my permanent holiday place. hmmmmm Japppp. What have never happen is me starting a home with a partner- someone I am in a relationship with. I have basically moved in other’s home, and desperately tried to make it a home for me and my hubby. So I got my own hideaway and suddenly I gave it away to start a new home, which was not so smart. But so what, kept the hope up. So I am a happy ( now less happy) woman who just have to find out when and where her home is, a place to rest and reload, perfect and pedant home: a home to live peacefully in, share love and feel love in.
#MyKidsAndME
As time goes by, I realise that me having a good relationship to my children is just a chance. If I see the world with their eyes, I am absolutely not sure that all should handel about them loving me. I made it my duty to give my babies a good education. I am not sure I would start again today, but these days it meant a lot to me. It still mean a lot to me cause I had made my mind that people judge me according to what my children achieve. With this I am not meaning education and such things: it is about all: their behaviour, their way to interact with the world. And I had nightmares going on, that they will not feat in, and probably act wrong, mingle with the wrong people and never coop with the society OMG how many nights haven’t I spend on fearing this? So I disciplined, I exigated, I hold tight on freedom and controlled who they met, who they were friends with, where they went and with whom , to do what. I learned them to eat on a civilized way- whatever it is- I send them to the shower daily, cleaned up their rooms, learned them to make their beds every morning, and although I worked a lot I learned them to take care of themselves and coop with the society. I am a generous mum but a rigourous one. Today I am totally realaxed and grateful for what they are achieving: I was probably what many norwegian kids will call a tyrant. I was an exigeant mother. Nowdays my kids can fly, but thanks to a good combination ( they have a wonderful dad – even if he could not leave up to a dream hubby) they are rooted too. Nothing is evident and I just get overwhelmed by pure gratefullness. Enough said
#PeopleISurroundMySelfWith
Jesus: Humanbeings are necessary. My colleagues are the one I meet most. Japp I work a lot. So I am interacting a lot with my coworkers. Nurses, doctors and different terapists. I am a hardworking nurse, always giving the most and never admit that I could be tired too. If I am tired- and it happens sometimes- I call my boss and ask for a rest. My way to load the battery is to sleep and for that I need a cosy home, with sea view 🙂 Not that exact, but not far of it.
As for friends to be mentionned, I have very few of them. There are not so many people I can call my friensd and it is not so important for me to have many but rather good and reliable friends. Humanbeings that will never disappoint or betray you. I am not so easy to dompt but the few people that did so, mean it is worth it. I have an elefant memory, so it doesn’t help to hurt me: it will never be forgotten. I wish I could forget easier but NO I DO NOT. I am not bitter but even if I get Karma to clean up for me, I am bad at just exposing myself to the same misery again and again 😦
Time goes by and I am closer to my 50. Some suggested I should wait for it and see how more relaxed I am – I myself think that I am totally relaxed and probably one of the reason why I am longing to a quite life with someone that has come to that evidence too: the evidence that as grown up we can slow down and just be. Career should be completed at age 50 and I am quite stressed that I am not yet done… Horrible feeling but I hope to be done by 51 🙂 A good career is caracterised by a passiv income. When you can work with something you love and make a living out of it, without any stressing up 🙂
What happens then? I just don’t know, cause I have still haven’t found what I am looking for. It is amazing to see that there is still more to find out in this life after a half century but not these highs and downs, probably nothing more than a flat line to related too.
Time goes by, I have lived a rich life: 4 kids and a grandchild later, I am ready for a life on the good side, with less work and good conversations. Sometimes good wines: sparkling or not and friends to watch in the same direction with. Travels and a loving and carring humanbeing to share it with.
I am longing to a Yoga retreat after completing my masterprogram and hope to come recalibrated from it, so that I can continue living in the now.
These days I miss my mum, I wish she could see all that we have achieved: adorable children we have. I am very closed to my family ( my partner, my brothers and sisters, my kids my grandchildren ) and I wish she could have seen this. RIP mamma.